Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
