You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
