come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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