I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
