I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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