So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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