Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you