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you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
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