You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him