2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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