Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
