wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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