i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
