Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
if i died would you start the facebook group?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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