i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
