the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
