Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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