from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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