I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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