She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
