Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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