when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
