My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
you inspire me to be a worse person
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
