the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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