I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
