i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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