Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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