You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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