I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
