dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
MIDGETS
????
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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