What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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