I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The power of my boobs compel you
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
