my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
