You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
