i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
