Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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