I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
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