I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
