never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
