no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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