11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
