I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
