If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
