I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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