i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
