I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
only if we run a train.
done.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
