you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
