god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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