I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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