tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
