so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
