so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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