ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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